Strange Happenings on the Subcontinent: Unnamed Neurological Diseases and the End of an Era

Ricky Ponting is suffering from a rare neurological disease so uncommon that doctors have not yet named the condition. It is a strange viral infection of the brain that bears the characteristics of schizophrenia and the Jumping Frenchman of Maine Disorder and gnaws at the brain tissue like a drillbit. It is unknown whether Ponting contracted the disease whilst in India or whether it has been lying relatively dormant in his skull for many years. The Australian cricket team staff and Indian medical experts are baffled by the condition that they believe could be fatal. It is at the very least permanent, they say. There is no known cure. Office of Health Protection and Department of Immigration officials are believed to be in heavy discussions about Ponting and his condition with there being a distinct possibility the Australian captain will not be allowed back into the country. The likely best case scenario for Ponting is that he will be kept in quarantine under round-the-clock medical supervision until doctors have a better grip on the seriousness and the infectiousness of the disease. Those who have examined Ponting are said to be in no doubt as to the seriousness of his affliction and are more concerned with its infectiousness, hoping it will not spread to the population at large.

Getting details on the nuts and bolts of Ponting’s condition have been difficult at best. Few close to the team wish to discuss the matter for fear of creating a panic while the travelling media have agreed not to report on the matter (though it is believed Peter Roebuck has been most tempted to break the embargo) for reasons of self-interest. These travelling journalist types are invested in the game and the team and they are not prepared to report on such shocking matters that are likely to freak out a great many when the powers-that-be have threatened them with permanent banishment if a single utterance of Ponting’s strange affliction is mentioned. Few are prepared to sacrifice a lifetime of networking to reveal The Truth. They call themselves objective but few understand the meaning of that word. They are paid lackeys, cogs in the system, unprepared to report on anything that could shake things up. Banal criticism regarding field placements and selection issues is about as far as most of these journalists are prepared to go. They won’t look for bones and will turn away at quite a pace if they find them. “Cricket is my life”, they say, well aware of their own investment.

Not this writer, however. I don’t need quotes and I sure as hell don’t require the good graces of Ricky Ponting or anybody else in the Australian cricket team to fulfil my professional duties. No fear is the mantra.

The word coming from a well-placed source high in Cricket Australia circles has stated, on the condition of anonymity, that Ponting’s condition has rapidly deteriorated throughout the tour of India. Officials sought medical advice on Ponting’s health after witnessing a number of bizarre and worrying incidents that have included Ponting talking to himself as if he was two or three or even eight distinct people. It is believed that this neurological viral disease has given Ponting some form of multiple personality disorder where the dominant personalities force Ponting to act without thought or consideration, total self-interest being his only concern. He has lost all ability to think laterally and now fails to grasp even the simplest of concepts. Some players have reported that Ponting was found walking around his Nagpur hotel wearing nothing but a bicorn hat made famous by Napoleon that he had made in Belgium by an octogenarian milliner and sent to India, jabbering wildly about the need for self-preservation. He has not paid one dinner bill on tour, opting to “go to the bathroom” after dessert every evening, a habit that is wearing thin with his teammates. He has taken to calling Brett Lee “my little Ponce De Leon”.

Cricket Australia administrators considered removing Ponting from the captaincy and the team mid-tour but were warned against such action by government officials highly concerned about the panic that would sweep across the nation if it was revealed the Australian cricket captain had been struck with such a terrifying and brutal disease that hits indiscriminately and has no known cure.

Many cricket lovers and fans will dismiss the possibility of the captain of Australia’s most important team having some rare, unnamed brain disease that is crippling not only his judgement but the hopes of the entire team as the wild fantasies of a writer with a penchant for whiskey and cheap narcotics. Those fools, however, are overlooking the overwhelming evidence that is looking them in the eye like a yak in the throes of a staring contest.

It would be a considerable stretch of logic to suggest that Ricky Ponting would cast off Australia’s last hope at retaining the Border-Gavaskar Trophy in order to avoid suspension because of a slow over-rate based on nothing more than personal stupidity, no matter how ignorant of cricketing matters it has been proven that Ponting is. Only a man in the grips of some strange and debilitating brain infection would throw the ball to Cameron White (5 wickets at 68), Michael Clarke (18 wickets at 33) and Michael Hussey (0 wickets) when Australia’s pace attack was finally starting to contribute and actually gave Australia a chance at drawing a series we had no right to. Even the most ardent haters of Ricky Ponting and his captaincy would find it difficult to argue that Ponting would willingly put his own individual interests so blatantly in front of the interests of his team and his country without being beset by some nasty and brutal seed eating away at the parietal lobe.

The failure of Ricky Ponting to play Jason Krejza in the first three Tests of the Indian series despite it being made abundantly clear that the skipper had no faith in chosen spin option Cameron White only further highlights how far advanced Ponting’s condition is. Such a decision makes Sarah Palin look intelligent, by comparison, and nobody is buying into that lie. Australia were playing on spinning Indian decks yet Ponting chose to ignore the one player in the squad who could turn the ball and went with part-time tweakers and an alleged leg-spinner who refuses to bowl himself for his state.

These are not the actions of a man in full health or even partial-health with a recognisable disease. These are the actions of a man crippled by the weirdest of viruses, a veritable brute that is eating a man alive in full public view. What other explanation could there be? Did Ponting sacrifice a series and a trophy against our most hated rivals just so he could play in the next Test match? Did Ponting willingly opt to play Cameron White despite the fact he refused to bowl the alleged leg-spinner for the most part? Did the Australian captain try to justify his use of part-time bowlers by explaining he was doing it “in the spirit of cricket” despite having never exemplified an iota of sportsmanship and allowing his team to consistently bowl slow throughout the entire series? Did he lash out at cricketing greats, legends of the sport, when they dared to criticise him?

These are the words and actions of a man in the throes of something vicious.

The best thing Cricket Australia could do now is to convince Ponting to retire gracefully so he can save the game and the team from any further embarrassment while he receives full treatment from a litany of doctors and medical experts who will do their best to save whatever remains of his brain. They may be too late and if they are then the decent thing to do would be to use Ponting for science. At any rate, Ponting needs to be removed from the captaincy of the Australian cricket team. It is not good practice to allow someone in his condition to occupy the second most important office in Australia. If he won’t go willingly, Cricket Australia may need to call on the men in white coats or, at the very least, a Machiavellian spin doctor with the ability to shame Ponting into leaving. A cheap sex scandal should suffice. It will achieve the desired ends and it won’t freak too many people out. We have come to accept that kind of behaviour these days.

The important thing is that Ponting must go. He is a sick man and he has done enough damage to Australian cricket and himself. If Ponting is allowed to stay on in his condition, who knows how far Australian cricket will fall or how bizarre Ponting will get. It is simply too much of a risk and a line in the sand must be drawn and now.

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